The Angry Old Man I've Become

Something has been bothering me recently, and I wonder if anyone else on dialysis has ever had this experience. I've found myself much angrier than usual when I go to dialysis. I'm pissed at the staff, though I try to keep it to myself and I'm pissed at just being there. I know that's probably normal but I don't know why I'm just now experiencing these feelings. I've been on dialysis now for 21 months now. The anger and bitterness should have been something I felt at the outset and then once I accepted things it should have passed. But instead I took everything in stride as I usually try to do with my health and now as soon as I walk into the clinic I'm in a horrible mood. I get angry at those who run the clinic because they are on this rampage of doing things by the book and not ignoring every bit of minutia in their "handbook" about how to administer dialysis, with no thought of the individual needs of the patients. We all don't have the same symptoms/needs as dialysis/ESRD patients. I'm sure my anger is petty and juvenile but it's honest and I really can't do anything about it. I don't want to be angry, I don't want to be bitter about my place but it washes over me like a tidal surge and it just controls me. The second I leave the clinic after my treatment I'm my normal self but for those 4 plus hours I'm in there I'm on the razor's edge and could snap on anyone in there. Anyway, I've had this going on now for a few weeks and I can't do anything about it. I don't like feeling that way, I'm normally a pretty happy guy where my health is concerned. I've dealt with ill health for my entire life and have learned to roll with the punches. The last time I was this angry was after my transplant failed and I was told, as I lay in my hospital bed, that I would need to go back on dialysis as soon as possible which meant guiding a wire into my jugular vein into my heart for emergency dialysis access. That was my 30th birthday, why what did you get for your 30th birthday? Maybe that's it. Maybe I'm just now feeling the cumulative anger I should have felt all these years when I got bad health news. I wish I knew what it was and how to fix it, I know the people at the clinic are just there to do a job and to keep me alive but I really resent them and feel so bitter when I'm in there. Just something I've been thinking about. If any of you reading this have been or are on dialysis currently and have had these feelings I'd love to hear your story and how you dealt with it. It's gotten to the point that I don't even want to go anymore. I said that half jokingly the other day and the nurse practitioner told me that I had to come and that there wasn't an alternative, as if I just got there and didn't know that. I told her, "I don't even care." It's gotten to that point. I'm so angry at dialysis I don't want to go and I don't care what that would mean. I still go, I make myself, but I need to get a grip on these feelings. Sorry for the depressing post y'all. Like I said, the other 20 hours out of the day I'm pretty happy, considering. It's just those 4 that I'm in that building, on that machine. As always, I wish you all good health and much love.