Remember Me?

Hello all. It's been awhile, I know, but I made a promise to myself when I started this blog and that was that I wouldn't just post banality or what was on my mind on a given day every week. I said I'd only post when I had something to say about the subject of this blog and not any other time. So, 2 months since my last post I'm back.

In the two months since I've talked to you all last I've joined a gym and started to get into some semblance of good shape. I really like the gym but not really a fan of the money I have to spend on it but nothing worthwhile in this life is free I suppose. Someone has to make money off our lives, right? What would we do without capitalism. Sorry, that's for another blog. Getting in shape has been great, I'm still not eating great but that's something I still can't do. Anyone who is on dialysis will tell you that one of the hardest parts of the experience is the diet. Low potassium, low phosphorus, low sodium, low taste. It's the worst. I'm already a picky eater, ask anyone who's cooked for me, so I already went ahead and cut half of the food in the world out of my diet just from my preferences and now the dietitians are harping on me to go ahead and eliminate the other half. At least the ones that taste good anyway.

No potatoes. Come on I'm half Irish. Really? No dairy, cheese, beans, peanut butter. You're killing me. No soda. Eh. Half the fruits in the world and probably a quarter of the vegetables. So really I'm left with meat. That's it. Meat and bread, but no whole wheat because that's bad too. Meat and bread, nothing on the meat and nothing to season it with.

So that's the diet they are trying to push on me. No thanks. I know it seems petty and immature but no. I'm not doing it. I'll cut back on some of these things, I have no problem with that, but I'm not eliminating anything on that list. It's bad enough I'm on dialysis. It hampers my ability to get a real job, be out in the sun longer than a half an hour, or just live a normal life and now that my kidney function has basically hit rock bottom it's trying to eat into what I eat. I have to draw a line somewhere. OK, I don't have to. I could just be an adult and comply with the rules, but I'm not going to. I've been on the transplant list for a year and a half now, and I know that doesn't seem like very long compared to others who have been on for years, but that's the point. I've been on for a year and a half and haven't even gotten a sniff of a kidney so chances are I'm gonna be on this list for a few more years and in that case I don't think I can give up the few foods I enjoy eating or just the simple freedom of eating whatever the hell I want to.

The intention of this blog wasn't to do this much complaining but clearly this is an issue that really gets to me. I've gotten to a place while on dialysis that I'm sick of it. I'm increasingly less patient with being on the machine every day and more aware every day that I haven't heard from the transplant people in about a year. I'm just coming out of my myopia and realizing that this is gonna be a very long process and that during the process you don't get better you get worse. My kidney function has decreased significantly since I started dialysis and while the washed out feeling afterwards isn't as frequent, I am starting to develop other problems more often. Tachycardia, Brachycardia, a couple bouts with pneumonia. To sum up I'm sick to death of this process.

Since I'm clearly entering a bitter phase about dialysis I will probably be back to blogging more frequently. I think if I don't I may choose to lash out in a different way; getting angry for no reason or even skipping treatments, and neither of those things help anyone. I know this is just a phase and I really am happy with every other aspect of my life, just not the health part. But I guess that's to be expected. And though I'm a little down these days I still wish you, my readers, good health and great love.